Why Control Makes Anxiety Worse — and What to Do Instead

As a therapist, I’ve seen how much energy people spend trying to control anxiety. They breathe deeply, avoid triggers, and repeat positive thoughts — yet the more they try to calm down, the worse it feels.

It’s not because they’re doing something wrong. Their minds are simply doing what they were designed to do — protect them.

But in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) — the approach I use in counseling at Vineyard Counseling — we look at anxiety differently.

We don’t treat anxiety like a fire to put out. We treat it like weather passing through.And the more we fight the storm, the stronger it becomes.

The Control Trap

In ACT, anxiety isn’t the enemy — it’s a signal.It tells us something we care about might be at risk.

The problem starts when we believe that this signal — the thoughts, the feelings, the racing heart — must be silenced before we can live.

As Dr. Steven Hayes, the founder of ACT, explains in Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life:

“Our minds are wonderful problem-solving machines, but they apply the same control agenda to our internal experiences. When we try to control thoughts and feelings like we control the outside world, we create suffering.”

That control agenda feels logical: If I can manage my anxiety, then I’ll finally be okay.But the effort to control anxiety often creates more anxiety.

So what if the goal isn’t control at all — but something else entirely?

The Rip Current

Imagine being caught in a rip current. You feel that pull under the surface, and your instinct screams: Swim harder. Fight it. Get back to shore.

But the ocean doesn’t work that way. The harder you fight, the faster it drags you out.

Lifeguards teach something that sounds almost wrong: Don’t fight. Float.Let the current carry you sideways. Conserve your energy. Then, when you’re ready, swim back with the flow.

That’s how anxiety works. The more we struggle to escape our thoughts and feelings, the more trapped we become.

Acceptance isn’t giving up. It’s cooperating with reality long enough to find our way back to what matters.

Jonah knew this well:

“The engulfing waters threatened me, the deep surrounded me; seaweed was wrapped around my head.”— Jonah 2:5

Jonah stopped fighting long enough to cry out — and in that surrender, he found his rescue.Sometimes peace begins the moment we stop thrashing.

The Smoke Alarm

Think of your mind like a smoke alarm. It’s designed to protect you — to alert you when something might be wrong.

But sometimes it goes off when you’re just cooking dinner.You wave your towel, open windows, maybe even pull out the batteries — all while the noise keeps getting louder.

That’s anxity.It’s your internal alarm, warning you of danger — sometimes accurately, sometimes not.

The problem isn’t the alarm itself; it’s our response to it.When we panic to silence it, we teach our brain that anxiety is the threat.

ACT invites a different approach: notice the alarm, breathe, and ask, What matters right now?

That small pause — the willingness to notice instead of control — is where freedom begins.

The Weeds in the Garden

Picture your life as a garden.There are flowers you’ve planted — your relationships, goals, and passions.And there are weeds — unwanted thoughts, fears, and worries.

Most people spend all their energy pulling weeds. Every time one appears, they panic, dig, and spray until they’ve trampled the flowers they meant to protect.

Control promises a perfect garden, but it gives exhaustion instead of beauty.

Acceptance says: Let the weeds be there. Focus on watering what matters.

As Dr. Kelly Wilson writes in Things Might Go Terribly, Horribly Wrong:

“You don’t need to feel good to live a good life. You only need to live in a way that matters, even when you don’t feel good.”

Acceptance creates space for growth.When you stop fighting your internal weeds, you can finally nurture what brings meaning and life.

Acceptance and Peace

Control feels safe, but it keeps us stuck.Acceptance feels risky, but it opens the door to peace.

Anxiety loses its power when we make room for it — when we choose awareness over avoidance, and purpose over perfection.

ACT teaches that the goal isn’t to feel better, but to get better at feeling.To live with openness instead of fear.To trust, as Jonah did, that surrender isn’t defeat — it’s deliverance.

Try This Practice

From the “Why Control Makes Anxiety Worse” worksheet:

1. Notice – When anxiety appears, name it: “Anxiety is here.”

2. Allow – Let it exist: “It’s okay that this feeling is here right now.”

3. Choose – Ask: “What matters most right now — and how can I move toward it?”

These simple steps retrain your mind to live with courage and flexibility rather than control.

If this post spoke to you, I’d love to hear from you.Say hello at hello@shaunhardie.com, or visit www.shaunhardie.com to learn more about counseling through Vineyard Counseling or coaching through ACT on Mental Health.

Download the handout here: www.shaunhardie.com/resources

Watch the full video: Why Control Makes Anxiety Worse