Becoming a Great Listener

If you sit with couples long enough, you start to notice a pattern. Most partners who walk into my office don’t begin by saying, We don’t love each other anymore.” They say something much more familiar:

“We just can’t communicate without a fight.”

“I never feel heard in the relationship.”

“We talk, but nothing changes.”

Usually, beneath those words is a shared ache — two people who care deeply about each other but keep missing one another emotionally. They’re talking, but they’re not connecting. And most of the time, the missing piece isn’t love, effort, or good intentions.

It’s listening.

Not hearing your partner. Listening to them.

Listening is one of the simplest skills to understand and one of the hardest to practice — especially when emotions are high, old wounds are triggered, or both partners feel defensive. But in the Gottman Method, listening is far more than a communication technique. It’s a bridge. A way of saying, your inner world matters to me.

And every strong relationship is built on that foundation.

Why Listening Feels So Hard

We often believe we’re good listeners because we’re quiet while someone else speaks.But being silent isn’t the same as being present.

Real listening requires you to set aside:

• the urge to fix

• the need to prove a point

• the impulse to defend yourself

• the story you’re already rehearsing in your mind

  
  

Couples get stuck because both partners feel unheard, and both are waiting for the other to understand first. The conversation becomes two monologues instead of a dialogue.

John Gottman often says, “Being interested is more powerful than being interesting.”

When your partner feels that you are truly curious about their experience, something softens — even before anything is solved.

The Gottman Way of Listening

In the Gottman Method, great listening begins with attunement — tuning in to your partner’s emotional world with openness, warmth, and curiosity.

Here are the core elements Gottman emphasizes, written in the way I explain them to couples each week:

1. Prepare Yourself

Before you can listen well, you have to slow yourself down.

Take a breath.Set aside defensiveness.Remind yourself: “Right now, my goal is to understand, not to respond.”

Communication always improves when the body calms and the heart opens.

2. Be Fully Present

Put down your phone.Maintain gentle eye contact.Let your partner know they have your full attention.

Presence says more than any advice you could ever offer.

3. Listen to Understand, Not Fix

Most partners don’t want a solution right away.They want their experience to be understood first.

Try to tune into:

• their emotion

• their meaning

• their hopes and fears underneath the words

Often, the real message is not in the content but in the feeling.

4. Reflect and Validate

After they share, reflect back what you heard.

Not word-for-word.Just the heart of what they were trying to say.

Then validate it.Validation doesn’t mean you agree.It means you recognize their experience as real and understandable.

5. Advanced Empathy

This part takes practice, but it’s where connection grows the fastest.

Try to understand what your partner is not saying — the longing, hurt, or hope underneath their frustration or emotion. The Gottman term for this is advanced empathy, and it’s one of the most powerful forms of emotional love.

When your partner feels deeply understood, conflict softens almost immediately.

A Faith-Grounded Approach to Listening

Scripture has been teaching us this relational wisdom long before modern psychology:

“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” — James 1:19

This verse isn’t just spiritual advice — it’s relational health.Listening is an act of humility, patience, and love. It reflects the heart of Christ, who often listened before He spoke.

Couples thrive when they create a home where understanding is more common than defending.

Start Small and Watch What Happens

You don’t have to master everything at once.Start with one intentional moment each day:

• Listen without interrupting.

• Reflect one sentence back.

• Ask one follow-up question.

These small practices create big changes.

When your partner feels heard, you become teammates again — not opponents. The home becomes a safer place for both of you. Communication becomes clearer, conflict becomes calmer, and connection becomes deeper.

Listening is simple. Listening is powerful. Listening is love in action.

Download the Free Guide

If you want a simple, practical tool to help you grow this skill, I’ve put together a free resource:

👉 Download the “How to Be a Great Listener” guide

Use it during conversations, date nights, or as part of your personal growth. Great listening doesn’t just improve communication. It strengthens trust, safety, and intimacy — the core pillars of a loving relationship.