The Four Patterns That Break Relationships

When couples sit down in my office, the most common things I hear sound like this:

“We can’t talk without fighting.”

"We talk and nothing changes.”

“We don’t know how to talk without hurting each other.”

At the heart is one core struggle: ineffective communication — not because the couple doesn’t care or know how but because of learned patterns that are destroying their relationship.

Behind most perpetual arguments is one (or more) of what Dr. John Gottman calls “The Four Horsemen.”

These four patterns—Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling—are so destructive that Gottman’s research shows they reliably predict divorce..

The good news? Every one of them has a proven antidote.

Let’s keep it simple and look at what each one is, why it matters, and what you can do to stop the damage before it grows.

1. Criticism

Criticism happens when a complaint turns personal. Instead of naming a behavior, the attack lands on the partner’s character:

“You never listen.”

“You always screw things up.”

“You’re so selfish.”

Couples almost never start this way. They start with hurt, disappointment, or loneliness. But when those feelings stay unspoken, criticism becomes the voice of the pain.

Why it’s a problem: Criticism puts your partner on the defensive. It communicates “you are the issue,” not “there’s an issue we can solve together.” You-statements are taken as blame-statements.

A better way: A gentle start-up using an I-statement such as “I feel… when… and I need…”

It’s honest without being harmful.

2. Defensiveness

Defensiveness shows up when a partner feels blamed and reacts with excuses, counterattacks, or shutting down:

“That’s not what happened.”

“Well, you do the same thing.”

“I only said that because you…!”

Why it’s a problem: Defensiveness blocks responsibility. It says, “This isn’t mine to own,” even when part of it is.

A better way: Take responsibility—even for a small piece. “You’re right, I was distracted.”

It de-escalates tension instantly. To summarize a proverb, we are to come to terms quickly with an adversary so something even worse doesn't take place.

3. Contempt

Contempt is the most dangerous of the four. It’s criticism with an attitude of superiority—eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, name-calling, or acting like your partner is beneath you.

Why it’s a problem: Contempt erodes fondness and admiration for your partner.. It communicates disrespect. It makes a partner feel small, unseen, and unworthy.

It’s emotional erosion in its most powerful form.

A better way: Rebuild appreciation. Not forced praise—but intentional gratitude. Noticing the good. Naming what’s admirable. Appreciation is what keeps affection alive when stress tries to shut it down. This is more about self-talk than expressing to your partner.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one partner shuts down emotionally while staying physically present. They go quiet. They look away. They seem distant or frozen.

It usually happens because they’re overwhelmed—emotionally flooded and out of capacity. Think of it like a breaker in your electrical panel that gets tripped, and power goes off. It needs to be reset for the lights to turn back on.

Why it’s a problem: Stonewalling feels protective for the one doing it… but it feels like abandonment for the one experiencing it: You're not just leaving the house, you're leaving me!

Both are struggling. Both usually want connection. Neither knows how to find their way back.

A better way: A structured break.Not slamming doors or giving up—just 20 minutes to calm the nervous system, breathe, reset, and return. Gottman calls this self-soothing. The part that is often missing is coming back to the conversation once emotional flooding disappears.

Stonewalling isn’t a character flaw. It’s a signal that someone is overloaded.

A Faith Reminder

Scripture acknowledges how powerful our patterns of communication can be.

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” — Proverbs 18:21

Words can wound deeply—but they can also repair, restore, and build up.

And Paul gives us a vision for the kind of communication that keeps relationships healthy:

“Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” — Ephesians 4:29

Effective communication isn’t just a skill—it’s a spiritual act of love.

Why This Matters Now

When these four patterns repeatedly show up, couples begin to lose sight of each other. Conversations turn into battles. Every small issue feels bigger than it is. And slowly, the relationship starts to feel lacking—not because love is gone, but because connection has eroded.

But here’s the hope: These patterns can be replaced. Connection can be rebuilt. Admiration can grow again.

You don’t need a perfect relationship—just a repaired one.

Download the Free Guide

If you want a simple way to recognize these patterns and practice healthier alternatives, download the free resource below:

👉 Download: “Avoiding the Four Horsemen”

Download

This guide walks you through:

• What each pattern looks like

• What each one does to the relationship

• The antidote for each

• Simple steps to repair communication before it breaks down

Small changes can make a big difference. Healthy relationships grow when we tend to what matters.